I’m not really sure how to start this post. I’m actually not sure I even want to write it. You see for the past week or so I’ve stated to have the feeling that I’m lying about my mental health. I mean what if I’m not doing fine? What if I’m not getting any better? Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not depressed anymore and that my meds are still doing their job. But when it comes to the anxiety part I’m not that sure that I’m actually getting any better. And then it’s that other though that is even worse; what if I don’t really have anxiety? What if I’m just lazy?
Okay I do know that my anxiety is for real. And most of the time I also know that I’m not a lazy person who just don’t want to get a job. But those thought are still popping up in my head from time to time. And lately they have started to do so more often. And when they do I feel like the worst person alive. I mean what kind of decent person would ever fake anxiety?
Thankfully Mr. A are pretty good at getting me out of those thoughts. But then there are those other thoughts. The thoughts that maybe I’m lying about feeling better. And those thoughts have been way harder to get rid of.
So then we’re back to where this post started. What if I’m not doing fine, what if I’m just lying to myself?
Right now I’m in a place in my life where I feel totally safe. I take my meds, I see my therapist about once a month and I’m even able to take the bus to the big mall without panicking. But sometimes it feels like I can do all of that because I’m living on borrowed “safe time”. It feels like I can do these thinks because I live in this little bubble in time where I don’t have to apply for jobs or any other things that scares me.
I hate being broke and I can’t wait to get an income of my own. So I tell myself that soon, really soon I will start applying for jobs again. And I tell people around me how fine I am and that I can’t wait untill I can get a job. Except that even thinking about getting a job makes me see the end of my safe time, my little bubble I have where I can do fine. But what if I’m not doing fine in the real world then?
And then there is this blog. The thing that keeps my thoughts occupied pretty much all the time. The wonderful thing that have made me feel like a part of the world again. I know I wouldn’t have made it this far without it. And I’m terrified of what will happen the day when I have to put it aside for a job. But that day is not today or tomorrow so I will deal with it when it comes.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this text. I guess I just want people to know that even if I’m not doing fine, I am doing my best. And that’s all that I can do, what’s all that any one can do.