What If I’m Not Doing Fine?

Hi everyone.
I’m not really sure how to start this post. I’m actually not sure I even want to write it. You see for the past week or so I’ve stated to have the feeling that I’m lying about my mental health. I mean what if I’m not doing fine? What if I’m not getting any better? Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not depressed anymore and that my meds are still doing their job. But when it comes to the anxiety part I’m not that sure that I’m actually getting any better. And then it’s that other though that is even worse; what if I don’t really have anxiety? What if I’m just lazy?

Okay I do know that my anxiety is for real. And most of the time I also know that I’m not a lazy person who just don’t want to get a job. But those thought are still popping up in my head from time to time. And lately they have started to do so more often. And when they do I feel like the worst person alive. I mean what kind of decent person would ever fake anxiety?
Thankfully Mr. A are pretty good at getting me out of those thoughts. But then there are those other thoughts. The thoughts that maybe I’m lying about feeling better. And those thoughts have been way harder to get rid of.

Whatff

So then we’re back to where this post started. What if I’m not doing fine, what if I’m just lying to myself?

Right now I’m in a place in my life where I feel totally safe. I take my meds, I see my therapist about once a month and I’m even able to take the bus to the big mall without panicking. But sometimes it feels like I can do all of that because I’m living on borrowed “safe time”. It feels like I can do these thinks because I live in this little bubble in time where I don’t have to apply for jobs or any other things that scares me.
I hate being broke and I can’t wait to get an income of my own. So I tell myself that soon, really soon I will start applying for jobs again. And I tell people around me how fine I am and that I can’t wait untill I can get a job. Except that even thinking about getting a job makes me see the end of my safe time, my little bubble I have where I can do fine. But what if I’m not doing fine in the real world then?

And then there is this blog. The thing that keeps my thoughts occupied pretty much all the time. The wonderful thing that have made me feel like a part of the world again. I know I wouldn’t have made it this far without it. And I’m terrified of what will happen the day when I have to put it aside for a job. But that day is not today or tomorrow so I will deal with it when it comes.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this text. I guess I just want people to know that even if I’m not doing fine, I am doing my best. And that’s all that I can do, what’s all that any oneΒ can do.

XO

26 Comments

  1. Good on you, lovely!
    Do what is right for you at the moment! I completely get where you are coming from with your ‘safe time’ – I get that, I feel like I’m out of my comfort zone otherwise and I just nee to be away from people sometimes to recharge and just have peace and quiet to myself!

    Take care of yourself and always feel free to send me a message if you ever need to talk πŸ™‚ xx

  2. Hi Ida, I think it’s good that you posted this. It is totally okay to not be okay! As long as you are doing your best that is all you can do. I thought my job was making me better and keeping me busy. However, after switching to part-time with the same company I have realised work actually triggers my anxiety and skin picking. It frustrates me a little because I feel I’m very hard working and I want to have a successful career. I hope you are able to return to work soon. If it doesn’t make you happy or fulfill you then that’s okay, don’t push yourself too much πŸ™‚ Happy New Year! x

  3. Thanks for writing this Ida. It’s so important to remember that we don’t have to be ‘fine’ all the time. It’s okay to be ‘not fine’. Doing your best, and continuing to survive is a huge achievement when you have mental health difficulties. You’re an inspiration for admitting when you’re not okay x

  4. Thank you for sharing this matter so close to your heart. It sounds as though you are overwhelmed with life and unsure how you feel about it all. We do not always have the answers and this is okay. I guess you would like an element of control over your life and feel uneasy when it appears you do not.

    I truly hope everything works out for you. In the meantime, be good to yourself.

  5. Dasha

    Thank you so much for writing this post, for sharing your thoughts and feelings! I really can rely on what you’ve said. My anxiety isn’t that bad but i still suffer from it a lot, and it does interferes me from living “normal life”. I genuinely hope that you will feel even better soon, and you will be okay when apllying for a job. This is the first post of yours that i’ve read but i am sure you are not just lazy person! Even those thoughts in your mind, it’s all anxiety. Just don’t give in, i’m sure you will be able to go though all of it! And i know how it feels when you say you’re okay (even to youself) when you’re not. I just want to remind you that it is completely okay and normal to not be okay and to have these thoughts. Hope you WILL be okay very soon!! Thank you one more time for sharing all of this. Honestly, knowing i’m not the one with this terrifyng thoughts made me feel a bit better. THANK YOU

  6. I totally understand what you mean, I have found it so hard to get a job after uni, I’ve applied to hundreds but never picked up the phone because I was too scared and when I did I wouldn’t go to the interview because I was scared of getting lost and not knowing what to say! I start a new job very soon and I’m terrified because I have no experience in the job! I hope you find something you enjoy when you feel the time is right for you x

    http://laurenslittleblogs.blogspot.co.uk/

  7. Terri Berry

    Hey girl! One thing I CAN say from experience is that whatever you’re feeling now, talking about it is the right thing to do! When you get into the working, responsible adult world of working, a whole new avenue begins with us that have mental things going on. Good thing is, we own our problems, and the judgemental people who always have something to say hide behind their ” normal”. You keep writing, sharing and you will soon feel like the champion that I know you are.

  8. Thanks so being so honest. I think that whether or not you have anxiety or depression we all ask ourselves if we’re “faking it.” I think we all go through moments where we question ourselves and our true motivations behind what we think and feel. Once you get a job you’ll have to devote a lot of time to it but plenty of people still blog and work full time. You seem to love it so I’m sure you’ll make the time for both.

    -M
    http://www.violetroots.com

  9. This sounds really familiar to me .. I clicked on your blog link after our lovely Twitter chat just now and the title of this post just sucked me in. I’m in a similar situation only that I do have a job. I have been seeing a therapist since the end of October like 3 times a month, I don’t take meds but I feel like I’m lying to myself when I tell myself I am “doing better already”. I feel so stressed out all the time, I feel stuck in that job, I want to call in sick like every single morning .. I have so many doubts about myself and everything else in this sometimes big scary world that I just don’t know how to cope sometimes. And then I want to escape to a safe bubble. But I know I can’t, I need the income, just like you will not be able to stay in that bubble forever. And just like you I feel lazy. Like maybe I just don’t want to go to work you know, that I want to have it easy and stay home all day. But I just feel like I need time to heal on the inside first you know? I just know for a fact the lying to yourself is the worst. If you’re not doing fine, then you’re not doing fine. That’s okay I guess. Then at least you have a starting point to work on it… Sorry for the rant, but your words really had an impact. Thank you for sharing .. πŸ™‚

    love,
    Margot

    http://www.aheartyhome.com

    • Ida

      Thank you for sharingave the time to heal soon. It’s so sad how no one questions the fact that a broken bone needs time to heal, but when it comes to the mind some people just don’t understand. Take care.

  10. Thanks for sharing your story. So many people suffer in silence or they think nobody cares. I experience anxiety attacks if I’m overwhelmed. I have found myself becoming more and more of a recluse. I hope to expand my horizons in 2016. Wishing you a Happy & Healthy New Year.

  11. Fergus Healy

    Hi
    Story of my life. Twenty years ago I couldn’t go outside my front door. Now I have a good job, go to lots of social events and live a very independent lifestyle.
    The fear and anxiety never fully go away, but you learn to live with it. There’ll always be things you can’t do, but you learn to appreciate the things you can do, all the more. Stick with it, the meds are there to help, and although you’ll have bad days, you’ll hopefully have many more good days. Be strong.
    Best regards
    Fergus

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