I haven’t blogged in a year. I’m a bad blogger. I’ve been thinking about blogging pretty much every single day since my last post though. About what to write and about if there’s even anything in my life worth writing about. I’ve even started a post a few times, and then I have deleted it. And to be honest I don’t do a lot of things that feels worth it to write about. I spend most of my time learning to live my mental health issues, which is kind of boring. It’s boring and I feel bored and I feel like I’m stuck. But the truth is that I’m stuck in a bit of a different place than I was a year ago. A lot have happened this year, and writing about it feels like a good way to move forward.
I got an ADHD diagnosis.
(I actually got the diagnosis between Christams and New Year’s last year but that counts as this year.)
Even though I have two close cousins that was diagnoses with ADHD as kids, I denied that I could have it for a long time. Instead I thought I was just a bit messy. And I mean no one likes to clean, and I just hated it a bit more than others. (Now I know that it’s just not that hard and confusing for others.)
But then about two years ago I felt that maybe it would be a good idea to have it checked out. Since I was already seeing a therapist I didn’t have to wait to start the evaluation, but I know that a lot of people have to wait for over two years. I got to answer a lot of questions about both my childhood and how I function as an adult and that was pretty much it.
Getting diagnosed with ADHD both was and wasn’t a big deal for me. It was a big deal because it explains some of the things that I do, as well as the way I seem to always overreact to things. At the same time it wasn’t becasue it doesn’t really change anything, and I’m still the same person as I was before. I plan to write a bit more about this in the future but lets move on for now.
I battled OCD and disordered eating habits.
I’ve had OCD since my late teens. Or I used to have OCD in my late teens, and sometimes when my anxiety got really bad I started to fall back into it. And then almost two years ago, due to a series of unfortunate events, it came back in full force.
I got terrified of eating, or that something would hurt my teeth. I becamme obsessed with eating things that were “safe” and for a while I could hardly eat anything that I would have to chew. Although I am doing better now, some days are still harder than others. In September I told my therapist that I would never be allowed to eat candy again, now I have a bag of soft sweets next to me as I’m writing this. Small steps you know.
I (finally) started CBT.
This is the big one. I had my first CBT session in April with the focus to get me to eat again. And then in October we changed the focus to my agoraphobia and panic attacks. Once a person can eat, it’s good if they can take the buss as well.
And I love CBT. I know it’s not for everyone, but for me it’s great. I’ve made the biggest progress when it comes to my eating habits and my generalized anxiety. It has also taught me how to look at my anxiety in another way. I used to think that if I was just good enough (or controlling enough) my anxiety would go away. Now I know that my anxiety is a part of me, and I’m learning how to live with it.
My next step will be to do even more exposure therapy. Draging the monsters out in the open makes the way less scary. I can fight them, I got this.
I gave up on medication once and for all.
Okay maybe mot once and for all but at least for now. And by medication I mean antidepressants and ADHD medication, since I still have my anti-anxiety meds.
I’ve tried several different anti-depressants over the past four years. The best one worked fine for a couple of months before it started to give me terrible headaches, the worst one is one of the reasons my OCD came back. So for now I’ve decided that medication isn’t for me. I know that medication helps a lot of people and I really wish that I could have helped me, but right now I think that trying antoher one would do more harm than it would do good.
And that, my friends, is a wrap. Bye for now and I’ll do my best to be a better blogger next year.