A while back I wrote this post talking about my mental health and the feeling that I’m might not be doing as fine as I think I do. And well, I’m not doing fine but I am doing better, it just takes time. Or actually you know what? I am fine, but I’m mine kind of fine, I might not be doing fine in the eyes of others but compared to where I have been, most of my days are pretty damn good now.
There are days where I feel so good that I even forget to take my meds, but that don’t mean that I don’t need them that just means that they do what they should. Sometimes I don’t even realize it until I should go to sleep and turns into a real grumpy head, and by then it’s to late to take it and I know that the next day won’t be as good as it could have been. But other that forgetting my meds from time to time I’m really doing kind of fine, and that’s so much better than I have been in a really long time.
This first picture is one of the first one Mr. A took on me for this blog and it was taken this summer, and the second one is taken pretty recently. At the first one I had just started to become myself again and bought some new clothes for the first time in forever, on the second one I’m on my way to take the bus to the mall. I still have anxiety and I’m still scared, but I have come a really long way so even if I’m not doing fine I am doing better.
I’m still scared about the future and I still want to cry when I’m thinking about what will happen when I can’t stay in this safety zone any longer. The thought of starting to apply for jobs makes me want to cry, but the thought of never have an income of my own again is even worse. But I will deal with that when I have to, I know I can’t really do anything about it now.
You know what? I actually think that I am kind of amazing. Okay I sometimes think that I’m a big failure, but never for long because I’m not a failure. I am amazing and whatever I do or don’t do now and in the future won’t change that. Being amazing and feeling amazing is my right as a human being and no one will be allowed to take that away from me ever again. I’m amazing and I’m doing a little bit better for every month and I’m getting trough this. I might never beat my anxiety but I will learn to live with it, and one day I will be the one controlling it and not the other way around, that’s a promise.