Today I’m going to talk about a part of myself, and my blogging, that I’m not that proud of. You see I’m a really competitive person, I’m a terrible looser and an unbearable winner and I sometimes even sighs loudly when someone answers a question wrong in a game. And the thing is that even if I’m well aware of all of this, and I don’t really want to behave like this because I get that it’s not that fun for the people I play with, I have a really hard time behaving myself.
And lately I’ve come to realise that my competitive side had started to take away my love for blogging. The thing is that I don’t want to be a good blogger. I want to be better.
I’ve always compared myself to other bloggers, I think we all do that to some extent. But lately it have come to a point where nothing I do seem good enough. It’s been like ‘everyone takes better photos than me, or looks so much prettier than me, or have a better design than me, or this or this or that’. If they’re not better than me I just won’t compare myself to them, because it’s like they don’t really count anyway. And then I keep getting frustrated because everyone else is so much better than me. Makes sense, right?
But now back to the fact that I don’t want to be a good blogger. I know I will never be the best, or the prettiest or even have the best photos. But I still don’t want to be good, I want to be better. I know that blogging isn’t a competition but that doesn’t mean that I won’t compete against myself.
And I think that I have come to a point where I have to forgive myself for my competitiveness and just accept that it’s a part of who I am, but that also means that I have to accept the frustration it brings when I don’t feel that I do good enough. And it means that I have to deal with the frustration and not just tuck it away until it becomes to much for me to handle.
I guess I’m just an all or nothing kind of girl. Go big or go home, you know. (Except that I already am at home so that don’t really make any sense.) I want to write 300 blog posts this year. I want to buy even more photo props because they are the best thing about blogging. I want to increase my side views every month. And I want to write about feminism and clothes and other things that matters to me. Yes I’m scared of bloggers burnout, of course I am. But just as in a game I have to gamble to win. I guess that’s just who I am.