So once again I have been absent from the blogging scene for a bit longer than I planned to be. (Or not totally absent. I’ve still been stalking twitter for hours a day and read lots of great posts. I just haven’t been able to write anything myself.) My plan was to blog at least once a week this summer. My plan was also to get dressed at least every second day, but that haven’t happened either. And while I wish I could blame it all on me being a lazy person, the real reason that most of my plans have failed lately is becasue of my depression. So while I can only speak for myself I want to talk a bit about blogging and depression, and how my mental health struggles keeps from doing the things I love.
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Blogging and the thing I want to do.
One of the reasons I love blogging so much is becasue I love to write. A part of me knows that writing is the only thing I ever been any kind of good at. Having a blog means that people might actually read some of the words I put out there. For real; every single person that visits this space gives me a little sparkle of happines. (Is that even a real expression? If not it really should be.)
I want to be able to share my story and I want to talk about all the things that are important to me. I want to talk about blogging and depression and anxiety and clothes and all the other things that are a part of my life. But most of all I want talk about the fact that while mental health issues sucks, we are so much more than our bad mental health. And that it’s okay to talk about it, but it’s also okay to not talk about it. It’s okay to talk about shoes even though others might want to know everything about your most recent panic attack. It’s okay not to share everything, it really is.
I want to buy a new look for this blog. The one I have at the moment makes my pictures blurry and that’s not a good thing when I want to focus on outfit posts. I have also somehow managed to make the sidebar disappear and I don’t have the energy to fix it right now.
And I want to grow. This is one of the things that almost every blogger dream of and I do too. Not that I think that I’m good enough to do so. I might be able to write but a lot of the time I don’t feel that I have anything to write about. I know growing a following is hard and since I don’t do follow for follow it might even be impossible. But a girl can always dream, right?
(And now Yoast tells me that I’ve written more than 300 words after the subheading so let’s move on shall we.)
Depression and how it keeps me from getting things done.
Since I don’t only suffer from depression but from anxiety as well, it’s a bit hard for me to know which one is to blame when it comes to some of the things I’m dealing with. But the one thing that I’m totally blaming on the depression is that I’m tired all the time. Or at least most of the time. I can sleep for 12 hours and still have troubble getting out of bed. So while getting enough sleep does help it still won’t make me feel well rested.
So you’re tired, but how does that keep you from blogging? Well it don’t really. It’s just that I have all this other things that I also have to get done. I have to shop for food, I have to do the dishes, I have to remember to feed the cats. And while these things might seem like minor things to others they still take energy away from me. I wish I could plan my days better and use my energy in a better way but I can’t.
The day before yesterday I spent the whole day reading. I concentrated for so long that I managed to give myself a fever. And then yesterday I went to do some food shopping. First I almost started crying in front of the pick’n’mix becasue there were so much candy that I didn’t know where to start. And then, due to the combination of my fever and the normal tiredness, I almost fainted on my 10 minute walk home.
When it comes to this blog there’s so much I want to do. I spend so much time thinking about how to achieve at least some of my goals. Not being able to work towards them i oh so frustrating. And I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling this way.
And then there’s also that little voice in my head that keeps telling me that no matter what I do it still won’t be good enough. Because that’s another side of my depression. The part that tells me to delete my whole blog becasue no one care about it anyway. It tells me that writing as a part of my healing process is stupid, and that I’m stupid to think that I even deserve to heal. It tells me that my goals are stupid and that I should just give up.
It’s hard to get things done when your own brain is telling you it’s a waste of time. But that doesn’t mean that I’m giving up. I have a doctors appointment two weeks from now and hopefully I will be trying some new anti-depressants after that. Hopefully starting therapy again will also be good for me. Maybe blogging once week isn’t possible right now, but I hope that I will get there in time.