Trigger warning: Mentioning of bad mental health.
Hello loves. Long time no see and all of that…
I’ve been trying to write this post for over a week now. And i’ve been wording a beggining for it over and over in my head. I’ve even had the pictures edited and done for som days now. But as soon as I sit down to write: nothing. Which is also what I have been doing for the whole of 2017. For a whole year I’ve done nothing. Except that I haven’t done nothing. The thing is that I’ve just been to busy surviving my hardest mental health year ever to do much else. And I’m okay with that. At least I want to be okay with that, and I know that I should be. But to tell you the truth; I’m not.
Some days before New Year’s Eve people all over my Twitter feed started to share some of their biggest accomplishments of 2017. It didn’t make me sad or at all surprised that I couldn’t come up with anything worth sharing. However it did made me feel a bit left out, or maybe more left behind. It also reminded me of a feeling that I have had too many times lately, the feeling that time is running away from me. And once again I started thinking about all the what ifs and all the what if nots. I started to think about all the things I could have done, if it wasn’t for the fact that I couldn’t do them. (Then came the tweets reminding me that I’m not alone feeling like this. Tweets that remined me that for some of us getting through every day is an accomplishment in it self. And that made me feel way less alone.)
2017 I survived, and then I started to feel alive again. And maybe that’s why I feel like just surviving isn’t enough.
2017 was bad, I know that for the biggest part of the year I didn’t even have the energy to wash my face in the evenings. But somewhere around the beggining of November it started to get better. I don’t know what happend but somehow I got a little bit more energy. And instead of doing what I usualy do, which is using it all at once by doing the things that I think others excpect from me, I re-invested it by doing some small things that I knew could give me more energy in the long run.
So instead of taking a long walk, get worn out and then get a cold, I took a long bath and realized that it gave more energy than it took. Instead of trying, and failing, to clean the whole appartment I did some yoga and then I took care of whatever part of our home that needed it the most. I also started seing things like cleaning my face and moisturize as small acts of self care. And I started to remember to eat breakfast every morning. I realized that taking the time for tings like this today is something that will make the future Ida happy. And while I still have miles to go I know I’m on the right path.
2017 I survived. And if you also feel like you didn’t accomplished anything else than staying alive this year, remember that that is enough. We did great even though it might not feel like it. We did enough. And now we have another year ahead of us and for what it’s worth I do think it will be an easier one.